Mom

Well I have yet to blog about my moms homegoing. One of the main reasons this blog existed was to keep her updated on our family activities and let her see a glimpse from her chair. Its so hard to imagine and know shes not here now. I find it very hard some days. I had thought of shutting it down but there are a few very special people in my life who say they check this out often, so Judy, i have decided to keep this going until you decide to join the facebook revolution.

It was Aug11, and i was getting ready to head out west to calgary for a friends wedding. I stopped at the house before i left to say goodbye to mom. She wasnt doing very well and i knew we as a family were going to have to make some tough decissions when i got back. As my plane landed on sunday afternoon, back in toronto, the text came through from my wife "Are you on the ground, there is something i need to tell you" Thats never usually good. Mom had been taken to the hospital. I rushed back and was able to get in to see her that night. As i came into the room at emerg, there was paul, carol, dad and I all together with mom. When i walked into the room and she spotted me, her eyes lit right up. I will forever remember that expression on her face. She knew me but no doubt was a little mixed up. She seemed figity and having a hard time getting her words out. The nurse came in and asked us to leave so she could run some tests. I left and said id be back the next day. 1:30am that night, i received a call from dad to come in to the hospital as she wasnt having a good night. When we all arrived, it was too late, she was already gone. (aug 15)

On my trip, i had prayed that if it was Gods will that he was going to take her, that he would do it quickly... and he did. I am so happy she is free of pain and although shes been sick for so long, and i knew this day was coming, id like to say ive been doing great and ok but the reality is, not a day goes by where i dont long to hear my moms voice or talk to her. Here we are 45 days later and its still pretty fresh and raw. Many days i go to pick up the phone on my way home only to realize, the person i am about to call is not here. It hits me harder some days. This week has been hard and im not sure why. My arrival time at home is usually a little later than normal to accomodate a quick trip to the grave site just to say hi and spend some time. Theres no stone there, just a few flowers weve left. I guess it really hits me when im low, feeling sick or really stressed. I could always call or go over to moms and sit at the end of her bed and she'd always be my biggest support and there was never any question whos side she was on. Of course my wife is that to me, but theres something that cant be replaced by the empathy received from your mom. Ive had some hard business issues to deal with this week and i really really miss being able to talk to her. I will go to the gravesite, sit and cry for a while and long to be at the end of her bed talking to her and hear her say im going to be ok. It hurts just as much today as it did on august 15, but God is giving me the strength to keep going, albeit with a big void. Tears still flow pretty easily but i try and mask it and hide it good. I will arrive home after a stop to see mom and my eyes will still be moist but home life will take over and i have to jump back into life of breaking up fights between the kids. Man i miss her today